Last One, Bye Love

This is my last time talking about relationship. Really, last time. One of my friends pointed out earlier this week that my mood was largely depended on the guys in my life. Sadly it sounds, but i can’t deny it.  Because of that, I sensed the need to reevaluate my life and the perhaps even the purpose of my existance. Should it be finding the man of my life, indeed part of it.

I’ve decided to dedicate this entry as my last Love Entry where I shall offer my final words of my relationship and expectation in terms of relationship. To be honest, I miss him, more so, I miss having someone around, cuddling, kissing, and making-out and calling.

Despite my effort of trying to recover, I miss him ALOT. But there’s nothing I can possibly do to improve the situation or lessen my pain. And the saddest thing is I can’t let it go because thinking of him makes me smile, remembering our time together makes my heart bloom. I have to admit, I had such a wonderful time with him at the end of the semester. There was no drama, only sweet moments. The thing I realized: until I find another guy to replace him, there’s no possible way to erase him or even put him in the back of my head.

I hate when I look at my phone every 5 minutes expecting a call or a text from him. I hate when I go on his websites 20 times a day and hoping to see some changes or difference. I hate when I talked to other people about him and the chest pain I experienced.  I hate when I tell myself there’s still hope after all. I hate when my mind is occupied by him. I hate myself being this way, falling for him.

Therefore, Lord, Father, have mercy on me. Help me to stop thinking of him, help me to cut myself out from this relationship. Don’t I deserve true love? Don’t I deserve someone who actually cares and around? Lord, show me the way. Lord, lead my path. Lord, pour your grace upon me. Lord, I need you. I need you. Rescue me, please.

Set me free

You called but I missed it. I called back but what waiting for me was always the voicemail tone. Is it a prank you played on me? Were you testing my patience? Why are you doing this to me? Perhaps it is not meant to be. Perhaps it is not meant to be. Lord, I ask for your mercy. I ask for your grace. I ask for your love. I ask you to let him call me again tonight. Lord, I am tired of this waiting game. I am tired of this hoping game. I am tired of coming up excuses for him. I am tired. Lord, revive me. Lord, save me. I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore. I don’t know where to go and how to proceed forward. Things are getting so hard for me. My heart aches, my heart is broken, my heart is dripping of blood. I know he’s still there. I know he’s not leaving until late June. But what I don’t know is why he’s not answering his phone, why he is not replying to my phone calls, and why, simply why, is he ignoring me? I am trapped. I am trapped by myself and my own conscious. Get me out Lord, or change the situation. Give me a fresh start or let this old one works out. I can’t keep my life going like this. I am hurt, I am hurt. I am tired of this chasing game. I am tired of chasing him around and waiting for an answer. Lord, but I will wait for you. I will set my hope up because you have never failed me. Lord, you have loved me, and you will rescue me. Please, Lord, rescue me, and set me free. Rescue me and set my heart free from pain and from my love for him. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t.

New Orleans Housing :(

I just realized how foolish I have been. My thought was constantly dwelling  on the issue of boys, while overlooking other more pressing problems such as housing. So my present state is I don’t have a place to live in New Orleans where I will be working at, and I do now know a single person there. I will arrive the night before my job starts, which does not give me much time to locate other options. I got the news from my suitemate-to-be, and since he will be homeless as well, he is going to Atlanta for a few days for fun.

In times like this, who do i turn to? In desperation like this, who do I rely onto? But you, oh Lord. I call unto your name, for which it is mighty to save. Lord, I ask for your help!!! I thought I got it all, I thought I handled it well, but no, things are not as smooth and easy as I intend it to be. Lord, I need you and your merciful hand to be upon me. I do not know what to do, and I do not have any help. So help me, Lord, I give it to you, and I know nothing is impossible for you. Provide a way for me, open a door for me, Father.

我已经无路可走了

经过多天的反反复复,我的心情总算稍微平静下来了. 我不能说我完全忘记了他,只是我要想的要做的太多了,似乎没有时间去考虑其他的事情. 我要好好的快乐的生活, 生命不能就在这样痛苦的过着. 不开心,不如意的事实在数不胜数. 我不能让自己崩溃, 我要坚强,我要努力. 我不能放弃快乐的权利, 我不能为一个男人而放弃我的快乐. 心痛, 难过都会过去的,一切都会好起来的.

神呀,你怜悯我,你可怜可怜我吧. 你来填补我的心, 你用你的爱来安抚我. 我已经无路可走了, 你给我开路. 你是我的勇气, 你是我的力量, 你是我坚强的后盾, 你是我绝望时候的希望, 你是爱, 你是生命. 我爱你, 就算全世界都抛弃我,你也不会. 就算没有人爱我, 你给了我你自己的生命. 以前没有,现在没有,以后也不会有像你这样爱我的了. 谢谢你,主! 谢谢你我的神! 谢谢你的爱, 它温暖着我的心, 包容了我一切的过错.

我从来不知道忘记是这么困难的一件事情. 想念他紧紧抱住我的每分每秒,想念他双唇有力的压住我的嘴唇的片刻, 想念他唯一一次背着我在屋里走的短短30秒钟,想念他牵起我的手的瞬间,想念他对我撒娇的样子,想念想念想念,即使是短暂的几十天,我把心给了他,我把爱给了他,我把最真挚的笑容给了他, 我把我的小鸟依人给了他. 我不知道最后换回了什么,但这就是爱,付出不求回报. 我不后悔,我真的一点都不后悔.

some thought

I’m here again, back and force with my feeling for him. I thought distance will help me to forget about him, but being here only makes my feeling stronger. I wrote on yesterday’s post that it’s time to say goodbye. I don’t regret making such remark because rationality is what I need now. I’ve been reading many people’s blogs regarding long distance relationship. After all, we are NOT even in a relationship, therefore I couldn’t even ask for a long distance. I’m still surprised at myself and at how fast I fell in love. I could hardly fall asleep, he occupied my mind. I gave myself about 2 weeks of break abroad to be away from him, to reconsider my feeling about him, and how things will work out between us. I did make an effort, It’s sad that every night I come to this blog to write about how much I miss him.

I’m traveling with my parents, as a family vacation. I guess I pass the age to travel with parents. It’s time to explore the world with friends and the loved ones. I imagine walking along the beach with the lover, tour a historic city/site with a friend etc. It was such a heartbroken feeling when I see couples enjoying a meal together. Have you thought of me when I am away? Did you miss me? You didn’t write to me, you didn’t even send a note despite my effort to leave a note to you saying hi. Truly what more do I expect? I started to miss school, because I know you are there. I’m so silly, so naive, thinking I can turn a man’s heart back when it’s already thousands miles away.

Lord, I just want to be loved. I just want a normal relationship. I want to be cherished and adored. I want someone who will miss me like crazy, not the other way around. It’s been so frustrated and tired to suppress my feeling and to convince myself that he likes me too. Lord, have mercy on me. I just want to love and to be loved. i want a long term relationship, not just fooling around. I want travel with the boyfriend, to dine, to watch movies, to explore places, to chat etc. Am I asking too much? I want someone I can hold hands with while walking on the street, I want someone to wrap me in his embrace, to hold me tightly when we are crossing the street, I want a man who loves me dearly. Am I too greedy to ask these?

Lord, HELP!!!

再见，我的爱情

想念你, 每分每秒,每时每刻,想念到不能自已. 我讨厌这样的自己, 没有想到你已经占据我的整个心和思想。我应该学会放手，我知道我们是不可能的，我不想勉强你，我想告诉你我会等着你的，但我不想给你压力，我知道你不能给我任何承诺，但我的心却停止不了爱你，我想你，想见到你，我想在你的身边，哪怕不是天天见面，我也希望偶然能看到你的微笑，听到你的声音。我哭不出来，因为脑海里都是我们在一起快乐的时光，我的心像漏了一个大洞，我不知道除了你还有什么能够填补，你在我心中的地位无可取代。我想再一次牵起你的手，我想再一次亲问你的唇，我向被你搂在怀里，我是在做梦么？我真得像断了这份爱，我告诉自己不要再向你了，我来到离你如此遥远的地方，却无时无刻地看到你的身影。当我看到别的幸福的情侣亲热的时候，我会想到我们之间的点点滴滴，你真的不像我么？你真的知识和我玩玩么？当我看到情侣坚守歉收的时候，我想念你修长的手指轻轻握住我的手那温暖全身的感觉。这些你都不在乎了么？真的是我单恋？真的是我自作多情？我想你，想你，想你，5/16/2008 恐怕是我最后一次见你了吧？我不怪你，因为你从来就没给过我任何的承诺，只是我自己一味的想象。没有过去，也没有以后。我从来没有想到心碎的感觉是如此可怕，冷得我无法呼吸。他们说我太傻了，我知道，但他们不知道我也因为你快乐过。我幸福过，爱过，也在短崭的片刻感到被爱过，我应该知足了。是是后放弃了。应该和你说再见了。就算再舍不得，就算再痛，也不能再这样恋恋不舍了。

some honest revelation

As simple as it sounds, I just want to be loved. I met up with my dad’s friend’s daughter today. And she was telling me about her Dutch boyfriend. They’ve been working on this long distance relationship (she’s in London) for more than one year, and they are still together now. According to her, they averagely see each other once or twice a month by plane!!! She apparently spent winter break with him, last summer with him, and this coming summer will be too. I am jealous of her, whether you say this relationship will work out or not. At least both of them have made a commitment to a long distance relationship.

Again, as simple as it is, I just want to be loved. I know this with him won’t work out. I know my heart will be deeply broken. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I despise this kind of me, so hopeless and desperate. But on the other hand, I love the feeling of getting sole attention, being embraced, teased, and loved. I do feel loved when I was with him, I do and I can’t deny that feeling. It made me feel like I was in heaven. However, I understand when he said he couldn’t make any commitment because I know I like him way more than he does to me. I understand this is his kind way to say no; I understand I could stand potentially hindrance to him to explore other options; I understand I’m not good enough for him; I understand he was being nice to me because I initiated it; I understand when he ended up choosing to leave me. Seriously and honestly, I understand and I don’t blame him. It is equally heart warming to be loved and to love.  I know I shouldn’t want anymore since he never promised anything, I know the more I ask the more disappoint I will get, I know I will be heartbroken eventually, I know he doesn’t really like me. I know I should’ve put a stop to my feeling towards him, I know loving him like this will only destroy myself. But I thank God 我感谢上苍给了我这一个可想，可念，可怨，可等的人．否则生命就象一口枯井，了无生趣．So I thank God for him, although he won’t belong to me at the end, but I thank God for having him for even just that short three weeks of time. I thank God for me to see and understand and feel what it is like to love with my heart. Lord, I thank you!!!

This is my honest revelation. It is a blessing to know him and to love him. I sincerely hope some love back, but I guess it is enough to give out my love.

疯狂的想念

So I’ve decided to write in Chinese today. I apologize if you don’t understand it. This is meant to be read by me.

我有的时候 真的是讨厌自己. 本来说不会喜欢上你的, 告诉我自己这只是玩一玩,却没有想到当你没有接我电话或回我短信的时候,我可以几乎整夜辗转反侧,早上5点就起床了. 我都不记得我上一次5点起床是什么时候了.

我不明白自己为什么变的如此无药可救, 或许这就是我不敢谈恋爱的原因吧. 疯狂的想念可以真真切切的折磨人, 我不知道几时你已经充斥了我的思想. 我后悔, 我难过, 但心给出去了又岂能收回?

我想大概这又是单想思吧. 我想如果你也一样的喜欢我, 不会不给我打电话的. 我开始想象你怀中搂着另一个女生, 我不是吃醋,只是难过. 你真的变了吗? 这么快? 多天不见, 你不想我吗?

I miss you. I miss your embrace. I miss how you tease me, poke me , and wrap me close to you. I miss leaning next to you in the couch, I miss sitting on your laps, I miss you walking me back home, I miss having my hand in yours. I miss you, hardly could I fall asleep. Where are you, did you get my call? did you read my message? Where are you? Did you not miss me a bit? I do. I do. If I can withhold my love that easily, I probably wouldn’t choose to pour my heart out for you.

我突然似乎明白了一些事情. 爱和被爱是截然不同的两件事情, 但同样是幸福的. 真的. 可能我前面写的象是我后悔莫及. 但那怕是几天的时间, 能被爱,被宠着,是件幸福的事. 不过梦醒了, 生活还要继续. 有时候感觉心里象裂了一个洞, 冷风毫不留情的践踏着, 但这颗跳动的心脏又时刻提醒着我, 我爱过, 我给过,这足已. 我是不是听起来很傻呀, 但付出一定要有回报吗?

Deus Caritas Est, God is Love

I am very pissed at myself right now. I did something pretty stupid last night and I didn’t understand why I had the urge to do that. Remember what i was saying about that guy, yea there was some progress, but really, do I actually like him or I just like the fact of having a guy. I am really confused, and have been debating the whole day. I could hardly concentrate, yes, i regretted it now. I even have the feeling that I don’t know how to face myself. I turned my phone off, shut my door the whole day today. I’m afraid to expose myself, I feel so shameful. After all, my knowledge of him is a maximum of 3 weeks. We met up three times totally including last night. So basically, he is still a stranger. I’m at the point where I can’t forgive myself, I can’t. I’m so mad at myself…pulling my hair. Oh gosh, why in the world did i do that?!

Lord, Forgive me! Forgive me! Though I can’t even forgive myself, you come and cleanse me, you come and wash me white as snow, you come and hold my hands, you come and wrap me in your embrace Lord. I need you! I need you! In writing this entry, I was reminded again of something that Deus Caritas Est (God is love).

solo deo gloria

I think never have I been so desperate in my life, on my kneel asking for grace. Perhaps I was so caught up in the situation, just like in the past when obstacles fiercely presented themselves before me, I told myself, it would be over soon. I absolutely detest the feeling of vulnerability, where things are beyond your control and when you are meant to see yourself fail. The way I perceive things is I exaggerate the bad side hundreds of times. In my head, I believe every time I fail, that is the end of the world, and since it’s irreversible, failing leads to deteriorating of life, not even mention of achieve success. My worry and panicking attacks are apparently not helping me to restore my confidence and faith.

By no means I hate life, I am so afraid of wasting and losing. Chances are given, opportunities are given, I become so discouraging. However, a huge lesson I’ve learned in the past 3 years is I’ve learned to keep going, it is worth it. It is worth it even if I fail at the end. I erased “give up” from my dictionary, and I don’t even recall how much embarrassment i’ve brought upon myself from trying and trying. I’m not sure how much I have success with my determination. Yet all is worth it. There are things, precious things in life where you have to be willing to lose yourself to gain it. They may vary individually, but things that we hold dear to our hearts and things that we dream ourselves doing, we need to take the first step.

I don’t mean to be all sentimental here. I am grateful and thankful, for the road ahead of me. I doubt, I fear, I worry, but those do not stop me from searching. Where does my passion lie? Where does my heart resides? I would love to find out. Of course, with You and Your guidance. Life is by no means simple, life is by no means easy. Life is tough, it literally is ripping your mind. But we try to keep our soul intact, we face our adversaries with immense courage and power. We, equipped by this new life, are ought to go conquer with love and compassion,

So as I said in my last entry, I finally got accepted in the internship program. I will be working as an intern investigator for the public defenders, where I will be handling criminal cases for clients who are unable to hire an attorney. Every year, thousands of the under-represented populations were falsely convicted of various crimes, innocent lives are lost. My job is to gather evidences to save lives. I am so excited to start the job!!! I can’t wait to explore Louisiana!!! I will post pictures here!

I really like this song From the Inside Out

A thousand times I’ve failed, still Your mercy remains. And should I stumble again, I’m caught in Your grace…The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.

solo deo gloria (to God be the glory)