grudge and prejudice

I placed all my hope in your and this is what I receive in return, disappointment and tear. You are my strength when I am weak, but what is it now? Vulnerability arises every step I take forward. My heart bleeds, you failed me! It’s a gamble, I placed all my have in, and all my hope I’ve given you. Lord, is this all? You said you would dry my tears, you will comfort my heart, you will breathe in warm air! I am hurt, deep down in my heart, I am yearning and calling for your gracious hands! save me, Lord! Don’t turn your face away from me, don’t give up on me! Don’t walk away without me!

So I emailed my TA and totally just wrote what was in my head. I told him that I think I deserve a better grade and stuff. So he replied pretty quickly to set up an appointment tomorrow to discuss about my paper. I hope he’s not a jerk. I hope he’s not a harsh grader. I hope he’s nice enough to give me back one point. I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge against me. I hope he understands that besides learning the material, getting a good grade is equally important, especially when this class is merely an elective to me. Tomorrow, we shall see. Be merciful to me! I need your help!

Summer here I come

I was reading a friend’s blog and her summer plan is going to Hubli and Mumbai, India to volunteer/intern. What she said also echoed in my heart. “I am ready to leave the U.S. again, and not by any means because I dislike it, but because I feel like I could be a lot more useful somewhere else.” Perhaps this is the very reason I was looking into international volunteer. I am sure there is much in need everywhere in the States, but nothing can compare to those third world countries. My summer plan is still in the air, but no matter which one I end up getting, they all revolved around social justice, humanitarian work etc. In fact, I haven’t told my parents about the internships that I applied to. But oh well, I got to do something that’s meaningful to me and to my life. I suppose to hear back in the next few days, hopefully, thus determine my summer schedule accordingly.

in affliction, in tear, in pain…but you are love

I have to say by this moment, my life is again transformed. He has breathed warm air into my heart, a broken heart. He has patched the hole of my heart with his whispers of love. My shattered spirit is again gathered by Him. When you are in need of love, when you feel unaccepted, when you are lost, wounded, and lonely, when you heart is broken, when your face is smeared by tears, He gives freely, He comforts with the most tenderest embrace, He whispers with the sweetest tone. The infinite love is kind, is patient. There is nothing love can not face, there is no limit in its duration. Vast is in its nature. I again fell in love with Him. Being close to you fills my heart with contentment. You have filled my heart with untold joy and happiness.

Life has been harsh to me, but in the midst of chaos, you calm the sea, you feed the hungers, you heal the afflicted, and you called me your own. My body flows with warm air, I don’t know how long it will take the wound to heal, but I am assured that it will no longer be in winter. Because Spring is here, because tonight, when I least expect it, you again knocked on the door of my heart. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39).

Nothing, absolutely nothing, whether in the past, present or the near future, can take you away from me. Your love wipes away my pain and dries up my tears. I love you, in the deepest inner being, I love you, more than myself, I love you. How privileged I am to speak freely of your love, to just lift my hands up to acclaim your love. You understand, you listen, you comfort, you guide, you save, with all my heart I know, who I am and whom I belong to. With the highest praise and adoration, with the deepest desire and hunger, I say, you alone are worthy. You are love.

Do you know…?

I’m sad and depressed. You said you would call me today to hangout. I waited for an entire day, and you didn’t call nor text nor email. I see how it is, I really do. I know where it is going now, and I know how I should handle this. There is no such word as give up in my dictionary, but I think this time I will do so for both your sake and mine. I don’t want to push you into a relationship with me, I know you are busy and you have tons of friends to hangout with. I don’t blame you because there wasn’t actually anything to start with anyway. As I am expecting, waiting, I am also agonizing. I tell myself each day that you have feeling for me, you somehow is interested in me. I am imagining things, as each day goes by, I allow myself to indulge in thinking of you, in helping you to find excuse to make myself somewhat legitimate in my actions. This is getting pathetic, and instead of actively resolving problems, I chose alcohol. I chose to impair my thinking and my mind, so i somehow you called, i would face you with a big smile, and pretend nothing was wrong. I don’t know how else I should express my feeling other than writing down here. Yes, I would rather confront you face to face, but please do give me a chance. I hate you, I hate you for ignoring me. I hate you for ignoring you. I got drunk for you because I wish with your presence, I can be loose enough to go up and give you a hug, perhaps even a kiss. I wear a skirt for you because I want you to see a different side of me. Do you know I’ve been waiting for you? Do you know the best thing in the world is to be embraced by you? Do you know how lonely I was when I walk around campus by myself? Do you know how said I was when I saw other couples? Do you know that I love you? Do you know I need you now? Do you know you are in my mind? Do you know I don’t know how i can continue for the rest of the semester without you? Do you know wherever I go I expect your presence? Do you know…?

A crazy end

This is the end. 3 more weeks and this will be over. I have a mix feeling about the end of the semester. But honestly, school can be end but there’s something i want to hold onto. I had a dream last night where my crush in reality fell in love with me. And we were so happy and free, and I thought i was dreaming in my dream, but no everything was a matter of fact. When my alarm went off this morning, my heart sank. Welcome back to reality, that’s what i heard. I turned it off, and tried to relive the dream again, but only fragments. What does the dream say about my life and my state of mind? The worst thing is he doesn’t even know i exists. I can only look at him from afar. At times, he gives me an unattainable feeling; at times, he’s very close. Regardless, he is graduating in 3 weeks, and he will never ever know who i am in his life time. Perhaps this is one thing i regret this semester, i didn’t have the gut to go up to him and introduce myself. i was waiting for coincidental encounter, but no that doesn’t happen in real life. And I know he will say no. I am sad, and I choose to get drunk tonight to wash away my misery.

Forward,forward!

I take great pleasure of writing, more so, to speak up my voice. This week started rather hectic, paper, article, interview, homework. I was swamped by the amount of work that I had to accomplished by today. At the same time, I am still hoping non-ceasing of the great opportunities awaits there. Great news, he wrote to me! I don’t know if i were being over-dramatic, or certainly need some self-pity. But that made my night when i read his message. I didn’t reply until this morning, just making sure i don’t look too desperate. I read and reviewed the message a few times, reading between the lines, imaging what he had in mind when he wrote the message. Imaging his expressions, the motivations, perhaps a smile? Ahh, i am so hopeless. But I can feel my heart racing, this is love. I can’t give up, I need push forward.

I take my words back. I will stop expecting and stop hoping. Expectation only makes my life miserable, always looking forward for something to happen. Am I not worthy of your love? Why are you treating me like this? Do I truly deserve this? I want you to be around, but it seems that you don’t really need me. That breaks my heart to know you don’t like me the way i like you. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that i’m falling for you. I want to hold your hands and tell you they warm my heart. I want to rest my head on your shoulder and peacefully fall asleep. Where are you, my dear?

Farewell, My Love. Goodbye, My Heart.

Yet another day, no phone call, no text message, no emails, nothing. You disappeared in my life, like you’ve never been here before. 5 days have passed, I heard nothing from you. But why am I complaining, why am I worrying? Perhaps there is nothing to start with. Perhaps the best I can do is to smile and have a small chat with him. Really, is that all? Have I ever crossed in your mind in the past 5 days? Have you wanted to send me a text? The more I expected, the less it would happen. I know this, it seems like a norm in my life. I hate myself this way, being all pathetic. I missed getting all the attention from him, I missed his eyes fixing on mine when I talked. Perhaps, it is again a fantasy of mine, being loved dearly by a man. I want to be embraced, to have your lips firmly pressed on mine, to have someone to lean on when I am tired. I know you certainly don’t like me the way I like you, I know you will never. But I can not stop my heart from racing for you. For once, perhaps only once, I want to love you with my heart, with all I have. Would you give me this chance? Should I let you go? But I will never forget that night, the time I spent with you, even just sitting quietly next to you. Just now, you reappeared in my life, for a total of 5 minutes. I wish I could spend 10x of that time with you. I want to know what is going on your life. They say, the longest distance is when I stand before you, yet you don’t know that I love you. That 5 minutes encounter means the same to me as my heart crying out i love you, but you causally said bye and turned around. oh God, are you playing a prank on me? WHY WHY WHY! why is it so hard to love, and to be loved. why did I get rejected again and again? How many days have I left to see you here? Will that be the end? My heart aches whenever I think of that. After this post, I will say goodbye to you. Don’t worry, you will forever go on my friend-only list, I will bury this feeling deep in my heart, I won’t cause you trouble. We will both go on with our lives. From this point on, every utterance of your name means and only means, hi my friend. I hope you will remember me sometimes, remember that once there’s a girl who loves you very much. Although I was not fortunate enough to receive your love back. I guess this is enough, enough to carry me on on life’s journey, knowing that you were once in my life so i had a chance to smile to you with my deepest adoration. I love you, more than you know; I love you, beyond my heart’s control; I love you, how much I want to whisper these words to your ears. But i know, there will be another girl soon in your life, who will love you the same and you will love her too. To my love, farewell. To my friend, always know there’s something special reserved just for you.

Good Morning, America

By good morning, I mean Hello. I haven’t been able to keep up with my xanga due to problems with the page. More and more, I’m incline to write on a more personal tone. Perhaps this is the gift of age, by which you stop being scared of the judgmental eyes people shoot you, nor are you concerned with publicize the other side of you. Come on, when will you ever get a chance to express what truly residents in your heart but this? You miss the chance of today, certainly, there will be tomorrow. But things will be different, mentality will change, and the previous page of life is forever gone. So asides being all sentimental, I just want to write something.

So lately, I made multiple attempts to apply for summer internships. And, not surprising, all failed. ALL, as in I received more rejection letters/emails than I would ever wanted to see, all, bearing the same news. “Your application is outstanding, but the pool is large and very competitive this year blah blah blah.” Besides feeling like a failure, I am still pumped up to search for more opportunity. When the door is closed, the window will be opened for you. Basically, my summer plan is still pending. I, in fact, am really concerned.

While reading my friend’s blog, I was re-inspired to go travel abroad. What I mean by that is to immerse myself in another culture, to do some volunteer work and to make friends. From what I know, whoever traveled or studied aboard had the most amazing time of their lives. Many wanted to go back and stay much longer. Perhaps this summer is the time?