Haunted memory

There are things in your life you just can’t forget, and there are also things you just can’t remember. Our brains are like a huge filter machine, selectively filter out unpleasant things yet some just jam the machine like no other.

It’s truly agonizing when you are trying your best to forget certain things, but they apparently like air, fill in every single pore of your single, every drop of your blood and just everything. You breathe in and out, but your memory stays. Sometime, you do wish to hold on and cherish the good memory forever. Yet, sometimes, you desperately want to get rid of them. They wake you up at night, they rip your heart into pieces, they follow you like ghost 24/7, like a cloud shadows your life. What can you do? Where is the sunshine you wonder?

Yes, these memories haunted me day and night. I couldn’t stop wondering what would life be if any of these memories were different. Would I be happier? Would it be less pain after all? I don’t know and I will probably never find out.

I just want these memories to go away for away. I just need cloudiness of my brain. Hey, if they ever legalize pot, then I would be the first one in line. Cloudiness is what i need. When everything comes into a blur, I would be happier. For now, Vodka is my dear friend.

A door is closed, a window will sure be opened

I can’t help but write these down because my heart was touched and renewed by these very words.

You can imagine how hurt I have been this summer, healing from one relationship to another. Well, in the process of recovering, this is what I discovered.

God never closes a door without opening a window. He always gives us something better when He takes something away.

Walk with the Lord when your heart needs company. Take His hand when you feel all alone. Turn to Him when you need someone to lean on. He’s the only one you can always rely on.

Everything is life is temporary because everything changes. It takes great courage to love, knowing it might end anytime. For people who have been in love, who are in love or who may have lost their love, you have done the most courageous thing to wide open your heart to love. I can no longer advocate for love, but I cheer for those who are persistent, who forgive, and who move on.

You failed me

What ultimately destroys one’s mind is one’s own thinking and thoughts. And this exactly what has happened to me. I think about it during the day, I dream about it at night. I can’t get the image and the thought out of my mind. It is rotting away my very brain, it’s destroying my heart.

Lord, rescue me! Lord, save me from this turmoil. Lord, grant me peace. Lord, show me the way.

I was failed by different guys in one summer in one similar fashion, ONE summer, Same way. How pathetic. I don’t know how I can conclude about my love life, it officially hit ground zero. All that I have hoped for, all that I have planned, failed.  I am a Failure. Perhaps I should tradmark that term because I don’t think there’s anyone else this pathetic as I AM. Yes, life goes on. I am aware of that.

You know how I said in my earlier entry that I will not give up the hope of love. I take my words back. Today, at this moment, I gave up competely. I see no hope, no futher, and no men. I  gave up because men have failed me again and again; I gave up because my heart can only break very few times.  I gave up because I have no strength to gather myself together again and fight in the war of love. It’s so tiring, so demanding, so unrealistic.

I want to protect my fragile heart from breaking, I want to protect my emotions from spilling out, I want to stop my brain from spinning around. I got to turn into a cynical bitch. I got to grow emotionally unattached. I got to become a cold-hearted person.

You know how easy it is to make my heart smile, you know how simple it takes to make me fall for you. Yea, guys don’t understand.

This is my last entry dedicated to my short-lived relationship. This is my last entry dedicated to you, who have failed me immensly in the last week. This is my last entry dedicated to LOVE. From now on, I live my life as there’s no other alternative; I live my life as everyone and no one has failed me; I live my life for the goals and purpose. One thing I can’t do, I can no longer love; My heart will turn into a stone, no emotion, no feeling, no love.

my happiness, my joy and my eternal sunshine

While I was anxiously waiting for the phone call, I come to re-examine my life, in a way hoping to distract my mind.

Clearly, to girls these days, relationship isn’t everything. But in a larger scale, relationship still spins our lives. Whether you are looking for a fling, a serious affair, a friend with benefits etc., our hearts long to be loved. Whether that person is THE ONE or not, we hope to always have SOMEONE there. Regardless your attitutes towards relationship, ultimately, we seek companionship. We all, afraid of loneliness. It could be that spur of the moments, the thought crosses your mind. I was told for my entire life that don’t try so hard, it will come around at the right time. I’ve been desperately holding onto these words, with great anticipation, expecting to see the light at any moment. So far, years have passed, I am still struggling in the darkness and the glimpse of light that flashed before my eyes faded quickly.

I think that could sum up my love life in the past, constant struggle, and glimpse of lights occasionally. Sad, isn’t it? Am I alone in this situation? Perhaps not.  You would think that I set my standard too high. No dear, not only have I lowered my standard as years rolled around, I have lowered myself to pursue men. Gradually, I’m entering into self-condemnation, blaming myself on my never-successful love life. My request is rather simple, I want to love and be loved, even just once. My grandma told me once, you will never know what love is until you truly love someone. I believe her, I would never be able to fully comprehend that love without pouring my heart out for another being besides family and friends. Maybe it’s too early to say commitment, but loving and adoring someone for the rest of my life is such an amazing concept to me.  Never growing tired, never giving up, never turning away, never looking else, but constantly loving, how wonderful would that be?!

Where are you, my happiness? my joy? and my eternal sunshine?

Yet, another failed relationship

Yet, another failed relationship. Perhaps me and relationship don’t belong to the same continent. Alot of time, desperation leads to destruction, eagerness leads to failed relationship. In fact, this time, the so-called relationship has not begun, but has already enter into self-destruction mode.

I question my telephone skill, because for the past two relationships i had, i stumbled at this concept of calling. I have my very idea of what constitutes dating, and what couples should do to maintain good relationship standing. I believe communication above all is vital to determine the life or the death of an on-going relationship. Knowing that, I did what I could do. I took the initiative of calling. I put aside my girl-dignity to call a guy. However, look what I get in return, endless non-returned calls and the forever-same voicemail. Then I started to wonder about the very reason guys don’t return your calls. More than finding excuses for them, in a way I find excuses to comfort myself and to give myself more reason to believe the relationship is still alive.

I may have pushed too far. I want to give everything a definition. What are we? Where are we going in this relationship? Quite frankly, guys don’t like definition. At least most of them don’t. Definition gives boundry, and they don’t want to confine themselves in a box. On the other hand, I am not a big fan of hazyness or grey area. I like things to be cut and dry. Yet, I’m aware relationship is not meant to be cut and dry and it will never be.

I am in no poistion to glorify myself. But I genuinely believe the goodness of mankind. I trust people, I trust that the guys I’m involved with will not let me down. I believe they are honest, upright men who take full responsibility of their words and actions. I have never lost faith in men. Giving and receiving are reciprocal matters. Therefore, if you give, then you should be able to receive. More and more, I realize this is not the case. Men failed me, disappointed me and left me. Not a single time could I walk out of a relationship not feeling hurt or heartbroken. I invested my whole heart in each relationship. I am wrong, I made a terrible mistake to think that no matter what, they will turn back one day. None of them did. NONE.

Looking at other people’s relationship. I have nothing to offer but admiration. I have never stopped wondering when this would happen to me. I have never stopped believing in love. Perhaps now it’s a good time to call a time-out. I want to put on a mask, a guard, or just something to conceal my feeling and to keep myself emotionally unattached. Sometime I sense that I’ve taken on the male role in a relationship, instead of sitting back and waiting, I step up and do things. Is that wrong? Is that not acceptable in modern society where people hail for equality and initiation for women in every walk of life and every aspect of existence except relationship? I am not trying to drill into men’s brain and figure out how testosterone drives their behavior, neither do I want to generalize my “theory” over all men. I am poitive there are guys out there who can and would love to fulfill the dreams of some girls, whom I would call a sweet loving boyfriend.