God is so good

I’ve been listening to the children’s song “God is so good”. My restless heart, my trying circumstance, my discouraged soul, Lord, where are you? Have you heard my earnest prayer? Have you remembered my situation?

I’m 22

I want to dedicate this post to my 22 years of life. 

To be honest, I never thought I would be where I am right now….so OLD. I hate aging, I hate growing up. Although I do enjoy the benefit of growing old, I get to experince alot more than when I was younger, or much younger. But what also comes into the package is stress, anxiety, greater expectation and ideas.

I don’t want to make the begining of my 22nd year so depressing.  I do want to have a very peaceful and quiet birthday. I didn’t put my birthday info on facebook, so no one would know! That way, I can claim 21 forever! I do secretly enjoy this way.

I hope things will be different this year than last year. A new me, a new position, everything will be new starting tomorrow. This year, I won’t write down what I hope to accomplish, I want to present Him a blank sheet, and let Him fill it out. I am confident by my next birthday, this blank sheet will turn into a beautiful page of its own.

Bestow blessing upon blessing this year, Lord! I am eager to see your most glorious work!

Am I crazy?

I must say yes to this question. I am even amazed at my thoughts. Yesterday I just said I would not think of this matter, but lo and behold, I was trying to apply a job at the city where he works. How ridiculous is that! I am making a move AGAIN!!!!! This should not happen. I can’t believe how I was reminded of him in and out of the house all day long. He wsas in our conversation often, and the more I try to kick him out of my thoughts, the more I think of him. I hate myself. I must be guy-deprived for too long. And having no job definitely makes it worse.

At the same time, I know in my heart that he is not the type I like, not even close, to name a few, his height, age, ethnicity etc. I have feeling for him? You must be kidding me!!!

Anyhow, there are alot of things to do right now, applying for school, jobs, studying, reading, planning out future etc. From tomorrow, he’s out. This time, I can not approach to a guy first. I have too many failing experiences in terms of relationship, and I don’t need to add another one to it. Besides, I know a couple girls who will be more suitable to him than I am. If this is what he desires, let him approach me first, let him pursue me first. I don’t like him, probably just feel like an older brother-ish.

Will he be the one?

So this individual has spiced my life up a little bit recently. I don’t want to say I have feeling for him, neither will I make a potential move to test this matter. This time, I will be myself, and let it flow.

I thought this was very cute. I could never wake up early Sunday morning, no matter how many alarm clocks I set up, eventually someone in the house has to take up the task in waking me up. It’s normally my grandma. He volunteered this time as I mentioned at dinner table how one of my little cousin always sings right outside my door to wake me up with no particular reason. Yes, he volunteered to do so on this Sunday morning. I bore very little expectation, thinking that he would probably forget it. I completely push this in the back of my head. Surprisingly, he did, and in a very romantic way. Instead of banging on my door, or throwing things, or just yelling out my name, out of all the odds, he gracefully placed cello to wake me up.  This is like what I would imagine in a Asian Soap where the guy will play instrument for the girl. Of course, I woke up   My reaction was a little weird, I jokingly said, why so early, there are people who need sleep. He laughed, and so did I.

I then sat in front of the piano, and asked him to play a particular song. He asked me to take the lead, and he joined in. It was beautiful, piano and cello, broke the morning dawn. My heart was touched, by the melody, by this rather eventful morning and more than anything else, him.

Saturday afternoon: he ironed my shirt. he bought the food I asked. he taught me how to cook.

Perhaps these are nothing, and maybe I am over-thinking, and over-analyzing, but I am not trying to reach any point. I simply want to record whatever that happened during this weekend.

I am not sure what will happen in the future, and I am not expecting anything this time. Whatever happen happens.

New Job

So tomorrow I will start my new internship, 8am sharp. I feel rather fortunate in this period of economical turmoil, I actually have a paid internship for the duration of the semester and it’s a job that I’ve always wanted to try it out.

I realized how I often surprise people by my out-of-the-blue decisions, but I’m grateful that I can pursue things I enjoy, at least, before I have to settle down with a real job that could grant me a life sentence.

Nervous, uneasy, exciting. Hopefully tomorrow won’t be a tough day and life at the newspaper will not be awkward. Lord, help me!

In the face of unending trials and tribulations

As Christians, how do we deal with unending trials and tribulations. What do you do and where do you turn when you are heart is broken, your dream is shattered, and you hope becomes hopeless. We question is God still there? We ponder has He heard my desperate cry? We ask does He still love me?

Yes, yes and yes. This is the answer I want to give myself. But at this point, I don’t even have the strength to convince myself that everything will be okay. I here introduce a song that has accompanied me in times beyond my control.

Come let us worship and bow down,                                                                                let us kneel before the Lord, our God, our Maker;                                                      For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand, just the sheep of His hand.

To be honest, I am in no mood to worship the One who throws all the difficulty upon my shoulder and we asks me to endure and trust in times of darkness. But this is what God is telling me to do now.

Law, lawyers, and justice

I assure you no one likes waiting.

Sometimes I question how the law schools make their admission decisions, how bias each individual decision is.  I am sure test scores and GPA are vital, but seriously there are numerous factors that contribute to your ability to be a good lawyer. Look, I’m not talking about a succesful lawyer, if that’s what law schools are trying to produce. Then I’d rather do something else.

Let’s be honest, you look around the practice lawyers out there. How many of them are purely money driven and reputation driven, that they totally abandon the joy of law practitioners. They forgot what it means to fight for justice with their knowledge. And these are preciesly the successful lawyers prestigous law schools claim to have produced.

Practicing law is not a competition. Those ambitious and competitive law students are exactly the contraditory to this idea. Law schools, please please think about the future of our society and our people. Being fully accomplished before law schools does not mean such individual has a passion for social and economic justice; on the other hand, an ordinary perspective students may well be the shining star of society later on. Law schools, it’s all about taking a risk at who you select and who you offer your admission acceptance. So I beg you, put your eye-sight at somewhere further down the road.  Think about how many well-hated, well-despised lawyers you have produced year after year!!!

John 16:33

This is one of my favorite verses.

These things I have spolen to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.

when I looked around looking for verses, passages and songs that could comfort my heart and bring peace to my turmoiled soul, I came to this well-known and well-loved verse in the gospel of John. The Lord said, be of good courage, be of good cheer, because I, the Lord your God, the Holy One of Isarael has overcome the world. There is nothing impossible for Him, His power and dominion are beyond my comprehension.

Yes, this is my God whom I love with all my heart. This is my God who loves me more than His own. This is my God who brings miracles day after day. This is my God who listens, hears, comforts, loves, and gives. This is my God who has overcome the world.

Because He Lives

…but greater still the calm assurance, this child can face uncertain days because He lives.

This line has comforted my heart so much in times like this. My heart sank, ached and hurt when I opened the letter. I nearly fainted in the elevator, couldn’t believe my eyes. God has taken away my “last resort” , my back-up plan. Now, I have nothing to fall back on. I am left here hanging, fully exposed to the next rounds of more pain and hurt.

This letter is not in my plan whatsoever. Out of all the schools I applied, I thought I would at least get into this one. However, this is the first rejection I received. Lord, where are you? Did you hear my cry? did you feel the brokeness of my heart? did you see my tears? Lord, where are you?

Out of deep desperation I am writing this post. Because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives. In the glimpse of seconds, I even had the thought of suicide. I truly came to the end of myself, there is no alternative, no turning back, no hope and no future. He reigns.Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone.

真的吗? 我还能这样活下去吗? 主, 你在哪里? 你把我丢在这里吗? 我一人承受不来. 我心痛的无法呼吸. I know I am inadequate, but I thought Lord, You would do the amazing work! Lord, I have trusted Your promise every step of the way, I have placed all my faith and strength in You. WHY?! WHY the rejection. 主, 你难道没有听见我的呼求吗? 主, 你没有感受到我的痛苦吗? 主, 你没有看见我的泪水吗? 主,你在哪里? 来救救我吧!

I am very grateful, God, for every little thing in my life.  Day after day, I’ve came to appreciate the blessings. To be able to wake up for another day, breathing in and out, attending school, the opportunities and miracles, all these I counted as gains in You, my Lord.

I still worry, fear and stress. But I continue to trust in the almighty God. More and more I know that He has prepared and instore something great for me. Although I am not sure what exactly they are, but I am confidence to say that He is able and His power above and beyond my comprehension. My strength and confidence do not lie in what I have and who I am, because I am nothing. He is everything to me. Thank you Father.

You know my heart, for the prayers and those that were in my heart and couldn’t uttered, Lord, you know them all. You hear them all. You care and love. I placed them before Your feet Father. Oh Lord Almighty, God Eternal. This is my honest request. I worship you day in and day out, I worship you waking up and lying down, I worship you walking and sitting, I worship you and lift your name up high. Who am I that you granted me the privilege to come before you to worship you, Lord of heaven and earth.