Four years ago, I didn’t know how to be grateful. Four years later, I’ve learned appreciation, deep appreciation for each step of my life.

This was never really the choice of my heart, but I do believe me choosing this school was due to a divine purpose. In this four years of suffering, I came to know more about God, about myself, and my purpose in life. There is no regret. I am thankful because I know I’m inadequate, yet the Lord is merciful and gracious. One miracle after another, you have given me so much. Thank you Lord.

Now here is another turning point of my life. I am not sure whether the God will perform the same miracle as He did four years ago. As in my application process, the gpa, test scores, work experiences etc., nothing is good enough for the schools I applied. 也正是因为这个原因,我知道不管最后结果是什么,都不是我的手能控制的. I’ve come to the end of myself, I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. Because I know whom I have believed, and I know if I get accepted, it is God’s hands.

Father, Father, merciful God, please. PLEASE.

Senior year

Who said senior year would be easy and relaxing? It is an intensified version of three years ago. Even today, I still recall what I had gone through senior year in high school, the amount of prayers and tears that went into the process. That period of time led me where I am now, gave me new revelation and renewed my love for God. I thought that would be the last time in my life experiencing such level of stress, pressure, and anticipations and disappointment. I wasn’t disappointed because God did the impossible, beyond what I could think or ask for.

I was aware of my academic performance in school, my standardized test scores and recommendations. God gave me what I asked for, a good school that was beyond my reach. I am thankful and grateful because in my heart and mind I knew it was not from me, it was His greatness!

Now three years later, I am put in the same situation again. Unsure about school selections and aware of my average academic performance, I want God to do the same this time! I’ve come to the point where I can say with full confidence that this is the end of myself and I have no power over the decisions. I recognized my inadequecy, and I know even rejection letters should be well expected.  The only thing I could hold onto these days is the conviction that God is merciful and able.

I’m still uncertain at what schools I should apply and what schools God wants me to apply. It’s funny that I said I would never go anywhere other than the east coast or Texas, but I ended up applying early decision to Duke, a school I never thought I would be going. well, at the same time, I am expecting a rejection 99.9%.  I just hope that God will open the door wherever he leads me. I call unto Your holy name, my Lord. I need You, Father.

I don’t know what to do and where to go now. Savior, show me the way as You did before. Rescue me as You did before. I did what I ought to do in this application process, the rest I lay it before Your feet, my Lord. With my earnest request, grant me my prayer.

where?

I failed, more than just an exam, it is the beginning of the failure of my life. I don’t know where to go, whom to turn to anymore. I’ve never studied this hard, prayed this diligently, and had so much peace before I entered into an exam. But look at me now, broken and unfixable. there’s something that only happnes once, well this exam is obviously is.

Days before the exam, God showed me this verse in Joshua. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” What an glorious promise. The Lord is saying, my beloved, do not be worried, stressed out or confused, lift your spirit up for I shall lead your path, I will carry you through. Am I wrong? Or has God failed at what He promised?

I’ve never felt so discouraged than what I am feeling at this moment. I see no hope, no future, no NOTHING!

My mother is ignorant!!!

I can not believe my mother is so ignorant. I can’t believe an educated person can be SOOOOO arrogant. I am totally ashamed of her. The fact that she’s awared of her ignorance, yet has done nothing to it really bothered me. It’s so frustrated to tell her that there are things any normal person should know. She couldn’t understand nor grasp this concept. I would consider this a failure in life.  I have no idea where all her brain cells went, seriously.

Sex and the City

I can’t even say how much I love the show Sex and the City, I rewatched all the episode this past summer. I adored New York, I envied the lifestyles they had, and I somehow set my goal to be one of them.

Dazzling, this is the word I give to New York. But in the midst of all the fun and playing, they can not get rid of the loneliness. Changing partners day after day, we lost the sense of stability. We forgot what love was, and what it was to be like to have the one.

People go to New York to fall in love. Is that true? Just in a matter of few weeks, my heart is not so certain about the future anymore. I admit I love having fun, but at the same time I long for the inner stability where one guy can provide. Perhaps I’m tired of searching, perhaps I just want a long term relationship, perhaps God is working to change my heart. I am, by no means, wild. I dispise loneliness. I long to be embraced and to be loved.

alcohol, spirit, booze

sometimes i need to thanks to the buzz alcohol provides.

let’s see, last night, at federal hill. i would be totally grossed out if not with the help of alcohol. when the night was gone, waking up the next morning, thank god it was like a nightmare. at least by the time the sun rises, no one would remember a thing.

i’m not saying you got to rely on alcohol for pure enjoyment of other activities. but there are times you just can’t do without it.

new semester resolutions!

do well on lsat, successfully complete all apps, get accepted, obtain a job, find a good guy, make more friends, do well in school, strengthen old friendships.

i confess all these seemingly ordinary things, i cannot possibly accomplish by my own strenghth and determination. i need God’s grace. yes, this is a list of my resolution for the new semester, but i lift it up to the Lord, and i want his hands doing the amazing and the fabulous work. i want to fully rely upon His understanding and wisdom.

i got to do my part, which is study hard, be a good student, and pray nonceasingly. the rest i give it up to Him.

Failed

waterpark–Failed

phone call–Failed

shopping–Failed

studying–Failed

bar hopping–Failed

I just realized that my life is filled with the word “failed”. I pity myself often. I pity my life as well.

The inconvenient truth

I was being a stalker if you want to say so. I went out of my way to find out some truth that has been bothering me lately. It was such an relief knowing that he’s okay and well. Silly me thought he’s dead. I guess this was just his polite way to say NO to me. I accept it willingly. Because learning that there was nothing bad happened to him brought me more peace than accepting the fact that I was dumped again.

Sadly there goes the inconvenient truth–I was dumped. However, God has granted my prayer! I didn’t care much about whether I came back to single life again or whether there would be a chance. As long as he’s safe, I’m well satisfied indeed. This is not my bitter comment. I’m deeply deeply thankful for this. More so, my mind is at peace; I’m at peace with myself. It’s time to move on again. This time I can smile and step forward. Lord, thank you!

Oh btw, the process of stalking and finding the inconvenient truth was indeed humiliating. One thing I’ve learned out of this, never pursue a guy EVER! Chasing after a guy will lead completely dignity loss, no kidding gals! I need to learn to patiently wait, despite the painful and agonizing process. It’s better to wait than to rub yourself into their faces and learn the inconvenient truth “I’m just not that into you”. Sometimes, they do tell you straightforward, but alot of time they avoid you like my case. I placed alot of faith in this guy, but Ha he failed me again just like all the other ones. I considered this a precious lesson of life, and on top of that patience is a virtue. Clearly, losing myself to chase a guy is not very virtue-displaying.

Haunted memory

There are things in your life you just can’t forget, and there are also things you just can’t remember. Our brains are like a huge filter machine, selectively filter out unpleasant things yet some just jam the machine like no other.

It’s truly agonizing when you are trying your best to forget certain things, but they apparently like air, fill in every single pore of your single, every drop of your blood and just everything. You breathe in and out, but your memory stays. Sometime, you do wish to hold on and cherish the good memory forever. Yet, sometimes, you desperately want to get rid of them. They wake you up at night, they rip your heart into pieces, they follow you like ghost 24/7, like a cloud shadows your life. What can you do? Where is the sunshine you wonder?

Yes, these memories haunted me day and night. I couldn’t stop wondering what would life be if any of these memories were different. Would I be happier? Would it be less pain after all? I don’t know and I will probably never find out.

I just want these memories to go away for away. I just need cloudiness of my brain. Hey, if they ever legalize pot, then I would be the first one in line. Cloudiness is what i need. When everything comes into a blur, I would be happier. For now, Vodka is my dear friend.